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this is the frist few pages of a story i've been writing i would love feed back ^^

Everyone always asks the questions, who am I? And after that they ask, what is my role in life or what is my destiny? I to ask the same questions. Who am I? What does fate have in store for me? But more so the question, what have I become?
Some question will never be answered no matter how long you search for them, some questions will be answered but you won't even know it, some question will be answered with something that pleases you or makes you happy, and other times your question will be answered with something you regret knowing.
Your fate is given to you long before you are even created. You are an idea a simple thought that, if you believe or not, the higher powers make into a physical form. They choice what becomes of you. Some are destined to be simple people with simple lives, others are born for greatness. As they say everything has its balance the Ying to the Yang, fire to ice, negative to positive, everything has its place but, what of the space between the good and evil.
Yes I know the concept of good and evil has been done one-hundred times over and a hundred times again. But what if I told you there is more than just good and evil, more than one way or the other but the road between. Would you believe me? I know I wouldn't and I didn't, not until I found myself walking down that fine, nearly invisible line between the White and Black.
Who am I? I am Ranma Gale. What does Fate have in store for me? Only they know. What am I going to do about it? Make my own path and do what it takes to get where I want to be. What have I become to get there? I myself don't even know the answer to that question, yet.
I've gone through so much and there is still much more to come. I'm living in a world that I thought only existed in dreams and fairytales. I never imagined that the world was truly twisted the way it is. Stories of vampires and werewolves, dragons and unicorns, angels and demons, they all have a small grain of truth in them. Over time like any story the truth becomes lost and they just become silly stories but, just because it is lost does not mean it cannot be found again. I realized this after meeting a very special girl who impacted me in more ways than I would have ever dreamed of.
Her name was Sophia Parkman, seventeen at the time, one year older than me, her dark hair waved wildly along the sides of her face and down her back. Her deep champagne diamond eyes were so inviting and her smile was contagious to all those who caught a sight of it. She was very outgoing and spontaneous, a six year old child in a seventeen year old body. Practically everyone loved her, she never turned anyone away for being different or odd, she accepted everyone for who they were and being themselves. Every so often though our teachers or authority figures would become crossed with her for being, for lack of a better word, immature. But even with all the stunts she pulled like, pretending to cry when she got in trouble and blowing it out of proportion, or pawning off that she was much dimer then she truly was to avoid doing the harder parts on group projects, she always managed to get away with them because, it was her. If anyone else tried the same things she did, they would be scolded and punished, usually.
In a very short period of time, she and I became quite close. So close in fact that she cautiously decide to tell me one of her most darkest, treasured secrets and that is when it began. The moment when my life turned from a normal life as a high school girl to, a girl in a world that was forbidden.
We were lazily sprawled out in the field of the park not even a block away from my house. The air was chilled and bit at our exposed skin as we gazed up at the black abyss above us and lost ourselves in stars. The hint of rotten leaves swirled around us from the tree line in the distance. Everything was very quiet, at this time of night even the birds were asleep.
"It's getting cold," I said with a shiver that crawled down my spine.
"Sure is, but I love the cold, I love the snow, I love winter," she said with a simple smile as she probably started to think back to last year's winter where the snow piled so high my father's SUV was lost in it.
"Well I don't, I'm more of a summer girl, sunshine and ice cream, that's my thing."
I tilted my head slightly to glance over at her. Her hair tangled with the long grass and I noticed the tip of her nose just a tad bit red from the cold air. She was still gazing up at the stars seeming to be having an intense conversation with them. I continued to watch I always found it amusing watching her space out so much, I always thought to myself what in the world could she be thinking about so much.
I looked back up at the stars as well, perhaps she was seeing something that I wasn't. Just as I started to contemplate the mysteries of the universe she spoke.
"Hey, Nana," she began, "what do you believe in?"
Nana was the nickname she gave me, she gave everyone she knew a nickname to help her remember their names, sometimes she even forgets their real names.
The question caught me of guard and I looked over at her with a confused expression. She was one to ask random questions, but this one seemed a little to odd, even for her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what do you think is real?"
"You're going to have to be a little more specific."
"Like, do you believe in ghost and aliens and stuff?" she said plainly.
It was a harmless question I thought and smiled slightly then looked back up at the night, "well to be honest I never really thought about it much," I paused and took a moment to actually think whether I believed in such things or not, "I mean I suppose there is a possibility of their existence but, I'm more I'll believe it when I see it. Why do you ask?"
"I was just wondering."
She was a terrible liar I knew there was more she wanted to say, more behind the question she was asking.
"Cookie, what is it? You know you're a horrible liar and I can tell when something is up. So what is it?"
Cookie was the nickname I gave Sophia since she reminded me of a cookie. Sweet, innocent, and oh so bad for you.
"What? I don't know what you're talking about. I was really just curious!"
"Cookie…" I said with slight irritation in my voice.
I glanced over at her as she started to fidget then she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest.
"Well, do you believe in angels?"
"Well, it's like I said before I have to see it to believe but, I guess I would say I do a little why?"
"What if I told you I was an angel?" she started "a Fallen to be more exact."
"I Fallen?" I asked to clarify.
"Yes a Fallen."
I sat up and stayed silent. I was waiting for some punch line that never came. I could see the look on her face and I knew right then and there she wasn't kidding. Her face was very serious and concerned as if she were talking about a passing of a close relative. I moved the loose strands of jet black hair that was dangling in front of my face behind my ear as the silence grew awkwardly longer.
"Um, what do you mean by you're a Fallen?" was all I could manage to say.
She took a moment and she turned herself around to face me, "I mean, I am an angel that has fallen from God's grace. I am a star guardian."
"I see." I studied her expression, her movement for what seemed like ages. I was looking for anything that would show me that she was kidding. Twiddling of the thumbs, a quick smirk, anything. Nothing.
I couldn't decide whether I could believe her or not. She never really lied to me in the years we had known each other but, on the other hand she always did like to joke around.
"What if I did believe you?" I asked warily
"Then I'd smile and give you a big kiss!" she smiled widely and giggled.
She always did have a strange way of making any serious conversation to something funny and not so bad. Though this time I didn't return the laughter. This had me worried.
Did my best friend really believe she was an angel? Did I believe she was an angel?
"And if I didn't believe?"
"I'd frown and be sad." She pouted and started the fake tears she was famous for.
"I'm being serious here Cookie. Why do you say you're a Fallen?"
"It's because I am" she said plainly
"Well just because I say I'm the Easter Bunny doesn't mean I am now does it?"
"No," she frowned and her gaze fell to the damp grass below us, "but, I am. I've always have been you see I've been down her for many centuries, I've lived many past lives."
I sat quietly awaiting for the rest of the story.
"A long, long, time ago, I was training to be the Goddess of the Stars but, my Sensei, the Sun God, had to leave to fight a war on earth. I was told to stay in the heavens but my heart could not bare to be apart from him. Though his heart belonged to another, the Moon Goddess, I couldn't help my feelings for him. So I fell, I went against God to follow my heart. After many years of following him and many life times of rejection I left him. I couldn't stand watching him always falling in love with another. I was too afraid to confess my love to him, I never had the courage to do so, so I left. When I left I met a werewolf by the name of Dextire who badly wanted to become human. He did not want to be a beast anymore and me being the kind hearted angel I was I had to help him. I did what I could for him, and I made his wolf recede deep within him then I showed him the ways of humanity."
I tried to wrap my brain around everything she was telling me and when I thought it ended she began again.
"Dextire and I became very fond with each other and he swore to protect me and become my guardian on Earth as payment to my kindness. In those year with him, we had fallen in love but out of the blue, Dextire had disappeared on me and once again I was left alone. I spent a few life time's alone. But this life isn't so bad." She said with a creeping smile on her face.
"And why is that," curiosity got a hold of me.
"You know Sam right?"
I cringed at the mention of Sam. Sam was Sophia's online boyfriend, they had been dating for five or six years and I didn't like it one bit. He was twenty-four and Sophia is still only seventeen it didn't help the fact that he lived in Washington and we lived in Michigan. He had plans for her to move down to Washington to live with him after she graduated high school but, I wasn't going about to let that happened.
"Yea, what about him?"
"Well, he's the Sun God. He finally is mine, he finally choice me over that stupid Moon Chick!"
"You've got to be kidding me right? You mean that fat ass ghoul is the sun god."
She was silent, she probably heard the hatred I had for that man spill out all over the place with just those few words.
I let out a heavy sigh and rubbed my now throbbing temple, "Look I didn't mean to bash on him, I just really don't like him," I paused and shifted my weight to one side, "So let me get this straight, you a Fallen which is an angel that has fallen from God's grace, you've live a ton of past lives, Sam is a Sun God, did I miss anything?"
"Nope that about sums it up," she said with another smile on her face.
I nodded, that was all I could do after all that information. My mind tried processing everything but it wasn't computing. I wanted to believe what she told was true, I wanted to believe that there was more to the world then what we already knew. Though the more rational side of me yelled at me telling me that all the things about Gods and werewolves and anything of that nature was just in movies and books.
I searched my mind for an answer. Do I tell her she's crazy and everything she just said was in her head? Or do I just go along with her story to keep her feelings from getting destroyed?
Who was I to judge what she thought she was? If she wanted to believe she was an angel who was I to stop her? I saw no harm in it, as long as she wasn't hurting anyone or herself.
"I see, well that's pretty cool," I said with a halfhearted smile "so am I anything special?" I said while grinning and batting my long lashes.
She seemed to study me then spoke, "I'm not quite sure, but I picture you in a long dark cloak thing, kind of like a sorceress type person. Also I see you like a gypsy time person in like your caravan and a crystal ball."
I chuckled at the thought of being something more and I'm sure Sophia joined me thinking I was laughing at how she described things.
"Well that's pretty cool too, I guess."
"You guess? Being a sorceress would be very cool! They are all sorts of powerful, what would you rather had me say something cliché like a werewolf or vampire?"
"Yes!"
We both laughed and found ourselves making our way back to my place for the rest of the night.
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:iconneonauraphotography:
NeonAuraPhotography Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012   Photographer
You make it seem like being a werewolf is a bad thing ;3
hahaha xP
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:iconsoursuger:
Soursuger Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol! i wasn't trying too!!!
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:iconhopelessace:
HopelessAce Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
There are several grammatical errors here, but rather than being a :icongrammarnaziplz:, I’ll talk about the other stuff.

First, the start seems to consist of a little too much rambling to me. You’re writing style seems a bit short and to the point. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact I find that sometimes it makes a story quick and easy to read. I’ve enjoyed quite a few books with that style of writing. This just means that you shouldn’t use overly pretty, poetic, freaking long descriptions (which I didn’t see).

So far the characters don’t have much depth, which is fine considering this is only the first few pages. It’s hard to really get anywhere in the short a length without rushing.

The conversation about angels and such seems a bit abrupt. There hasn’t been much character development up to this point and you do say they haven’t known each other long. If you plan to go much further than this I suggest developing the story a bit more slowly.

You did not go with the entirely unrealistic “Oh you’re an angel, that’s cool I totally believe everything you just said” approach. This is good. I’ve seen it (heck I did it in my really early writings) and it really just doesn’t work. I think it would help to make it sound a bit more like Nana (I didn’t see her actual name in there that I remember) is simply humoring her by continuing the conversation. Feeling torn about wanting to believe her and being unable to works fine as well.

So there’s my two cents. Feel free to take it or leave it when it comes to my advice. I’m no pro writer (guilty of several of the criticisms I listed). Sorry I’m not great and the supportive comments. I’m a perfectionist and find I’m only capable of constructive criticism.

Now I'm in a writing mood and I meant to be in bed hours ago so my brain is mush and probably isn't capable of producing any decent writing :iconlazycryplz: Why you do this to me?
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:iconsoursuger:
Soursuger Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol sorry and thanks for the feed back
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:iconhopelessace:
HopelessAce Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. It's okay because fictional writing is always fun, no matter how braindead you are.




Would have said writing in general, but I've written too many papers for classes recently to say that.....>_>
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:iconsoursuger:
Soursuger Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol yea good call XD
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April 21, 2012
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